I couldn’t think of a better timing that the Holiday season to publish a list of one liners relating to dieting and exercising. After stuffing ourselves more than the turkey we just devoured, the New Year’s resolutions are just around the corner. And January is the month when Gyms and Fitness Clubs sell the most memberships and when fitness wannabes have the most motivation… only to fade away faster than a politician’s electoral promises. Hope you enjoy… and that it puts a smile on your face.

☞ I have gotten out of bed 365 days a year for 53 years. That’s over 19,000 sit-ups… and not one ab to show for it. 

☞ At the gym, I decided to jump on the treadmill. People were looking at me funny so I started jogging.

☞ 250 lbs on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. I’m not fat, I’m just on the wrong planet.

☞ The hour that we’ve lost this weekend is the one I was going to go to the gym.

☞ I invented a new low intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

☞ Trying to make protein shakes but they keep coming out as margaritas.

☞ Don’t worry about getting older. You’re still going to do dumb stuff, only slower.

☞ Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic trying to reach their gyms to ride stationary bicycles.

☞ Getting older is just one body part after another saying: “Ha, you think that’s bad? Watch this…”

☞ Do I do Yoga? Does arching my back when I fart count?

☞ I saw a homeless downtown who told me that he hadn’t eaten in two days. I told him that I wish I had his will power!

☞ Ever noticed that when we’re hungry, we constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

☞ Want to get noticed? Go jogging without bending your arms.

☞ I grew a beard thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior Discount, Please!”

☞ Some people are posting pictures of themselves doing yoga. I’m just happy getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance!

☞ You never realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising.

☞ I go to a number of gyms (and that number is 0).

☞ I run like the winded.

☞ I might wake up and go running. Or I might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.

☞ Salad? That’s what my food eats!

☞ That awkward moment when you’re running and your breasts are bouncing… and you’re a guy!

☞ I saw a guy jogging yesterday and I thought: this guy will be going places.

☞ People would be a lot more motivated if the weight they lost went to somebody they don’t like.

☞ I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge.

☞ I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food and all I find is ingredients.

☞ Men exercise at the beach by sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

☞ When I want the entire beach to myself, I wear a Speedo.

☞ Mirrors don’t lie and lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.

☞ Found out yesterday you cannot join a gym “just to watch”.

☞ I have never tried yoga but I tried bending over to pick up my keys so I’m pretty sure I’d hate yoga.

☞ Research shows that laughing for 2 mins is just as healthy as a 20 mins jog. So I’m sitting the park laughing at the joggers.

☞ While folding laundry, I was thinking that I should become a nudist. Then I remembered what I look like naked and kept folding.

☞ I walked into a gym, tagged my location on Facebook and left.

☞ I knew that I had to lose weight when I had the body of a porn star. All my clothes said XXX.

☞ I just want to be as thin as my patience.

☞ They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.

☞ I would lose weight but I hate losing…

☞ DIET TIP: Your pants won’t get too tight if you don’t wear any.

☞ If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

☞ I’m not fat, I’m just so freakin’ sexy, it overflows!

☞ Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.

☞ I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 2 minutes.

☞ I am on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

☞ I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

☞ I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror. I’m getting a new mirror tomorrow. Then I stepped on the scale. Getting a new scale too!

☞ I’m afraid if I start working out, I’ll be too sexy!

☞ I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 30-day diet in 4 hours and 12 minutes.

☞ I’m at the gym sitting still on the stationary bike and people keep asking me why… I’m going downhill, mind your own business!

☞ I want to lose weight but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.