Welcome to a collection of musings that capture the absurdities and ironies of daily life. From pondering the chaos of humanity’s reactions to imagined crises to navigating the frustrations of everyday interactions, these thoughts offer a humorous yet poignant reflection on the quirks of existence. Whether it’s managing the stupidity of others, finding solace in talking to oneself, or turning personal blunders into endearing traditions, this compilation is a testament to the unpredictable, often laughable nature of being human. Dive in, and embrace the humor that lies in life’s little oddities.

If they said on the news that we’re running out of air, some idiots would be outside with plastic bags trying to catch it.

I learn from the mistakes made by others who have taken my advice.

I hate going out in public, especially when the public are there as well.

I think it’s unfair that I have to manage my anger, just because some people can’t manage their stupidity.

If you’re “not yourself today”, enjoy it while you can!

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven’t pooped it out yet. I’m getting worried.

I sometimes talk to myself. And we both laugh.

How am I supposed to sleep when at any moment the fitted sheet can pop off of the corner of the mattress?

Hit your head on a jug. If you hear a hollow sound, don’t think that it’s necessarily the jug that’s empty.

I used to be very popular until my therapist made me get rid of my imaginary friends.

I’ve been making the same mistakes for so long, I now call them traditions.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done…

Ever get the feeling that you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Life is a soup and I’m a fork.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some are abusing the privilege!

You know you’re stressed when you start getting on your own nerves.

Lead me not into temptation… Oh who am I kidding? Follow me, I know a shortcut.

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.

I just want to be as thin as my patience.

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

Driving down the road, I saw a person hitch hiking with a sign saying “Heaven Bound”. Being the good person that I am, I veered and hit that person. I hope he made it!

I could never be a racist. I haven’t finished hating all the white people yet.

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices… I’m confused.

Why are my neighbours looking at me that way? Have they never seen a naked man sitting on his front porch?

I think my therapist is seeing other people.

Some fat little kid just called me an asshole. So if you’re in Home Hardware and missing a child, he’s in the red LG dryer.

I have lost my mind and I’m making no effort to look for it.

I saw my doctor yesterday and he told me my sugar was too high. When I came home, I put it on a lower shelf.

Sometimes, in the morning while I sip on my coffee, I think about all the people I’m going to piss off. Then I smile…

How bored am I? I went outside to knock on my own door, then came back in and said, “Who is it?”…

My extra sensitive toothpaste gets upset when I use a different kind.

Research shows that laughing for 2 mins is just as healthy as a 20 mins jog. So I’m sitting the park laughing at the joggers.

Been sending flowers “From Steve” to my neighbour’s wife 3 Fridays in a row, then I watch them fight from the balcony while eating popcorn.

I’m not stupid. It’s that sometimes, I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.

I just saw a woman getting into a car through the wrong door… the driver’s door.

Nothing is scarier than the first fart after diarrhea.

Whoever has the VooDoo doll of me, can you please scratch my butt? Thanks, I’m in public and cannot do it myself.

I only had one accident: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

First you’re telling me to be myself, then you’re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make your mind up.

I just heard a woodpecker call me paranoid, in Morse code.

I wonder if the arachnophobia support group has a web site.

I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday and he asked me: “Aren’t you concerned that I could be a mass murderer?” I replied: “The odds of having two mass murderers in the same car at the same time are almost impossible.” He was quiet the rest of the way.

To everyone out there suffering from paranoia, just remember: you are not alone!

I named my eraser ‘Confidence’, because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

A bunch of deaf people were having an argument. To stop it, I turned off the lights.

I am a nobody, nobody’s perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

People laugh because I’m different, I laugh because they’re all the same.

I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

We used to have village idiots but with the internet, they’ve gone global!

I bought a pack of bird seeds. How long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? My parents taught me not to piss on my hands in the first place!

If it’s the thought that counts, I should probably be in jail.

The voices in my head talk to me so much I had to put them on my cell plan.

Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum. Then I take a good look around at everyone and realize… maybe I already am.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without bending your arms.

We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.

After meeting with me, my therapist is in therapy.

I do what the little voices inside my wife’s head tell me to do.

Someone just called me normal. I’ve never been so insulted.

Don’t commit crime as when you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I’m telling myself: “Just be yourself, you idiot.”

If you don’t come to my funeral, I’m not going to yours!

Not that I’m bored but how come a box of rice has 7,456 pieces and the other box has 7,398?

I’m tired of people complaining about $7 beer, $10 parking and a $20 cover charge. Don’t like the prices, stop coming to my house!

Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.

In Canada, we have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

I need a new friend. The last one escaped.

A lot of people cry when cutting onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Not a single person asked me if I could run fast in my new running shoes yesterday. Being an adult is stupid.

Sometimes, I wish I could read my mind.