As a father of two daughters, I am acutely attuned to the anxiety that accompanies watching them reach the age of dating. It’s a sentiment shared by many fathers, and for good reason. You might ask why we harbor such apprehension. The answer lies in our own experiences as young men navigating the complexities of dating. We understand all too well the thoughts that occupy a teenage boy’s mind, and it’s not always reassuring. As fathers, we inherently feel the weight of our role as protectors of our precious daughters.

Welcome to the ultimate guide for anyone daring to court my daughter. Consider this your crash course in surviving the gauntlet of rules I’ve meticulously crafted to safeguard her well-being. So, if you’re ready to tread the perilous path of dating my precious girl, buckle up and heed these Ten Commandments for Dating My Daughter.

Commandment One:
If you dare to pull into my driveway and honk, you better have a parcel to deliver because you’re definitely not here for a pickup.

Commandment Two:
Hands off my daughter while I’m around. You’re allowed to steal a glance, but keep your eyes above the neckline. If you can’t control yourself, I’ll take necessary measures.

Commandment Three:
I get it, sagging pants are trendy for your generation. But let’s make a deal: you can show up at the door with your underwear peeking out and pants ten sizes too big, and I won’t fuss. However, I reserve the right to secure those pants with my electric nail gun.

Commandment Four:
In today’s world, protection is key. When it comes to my daughter, I am the ultimate barrier, and I won’t hesitate to enforce it.

Commandment Five:
Forget small talk. All I need to know is when you plan to return my daughter home safely, and the only acceptable response is “early.”

Commandment Six:
You may be a catch, but my daughter’s happiness is my priority. Hurt her, and you’ll answer to me.

Commandment Seven:
Patience is a virtue. If my daughter’s taking her time getting ready, find something productive to do instead of tapping your foot.

Commandment Eight:
Certain venues are off-limits for dates with my daughter: places with comfortable seating, no adult supervision, darkness, or overtly romantic atmospheres. Hockey games or visits to nursing homes are preferable.

Commandment Nine:
Honesty is non-negotiable. If I ask where you’re going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. Trust me, you don’t want to test me on this.

Commandment Ten:
You should fear me. I’m easily triggered by the sound of a car approaching, and my imagination can be vivid. Follow protocol: hands visible, state your purpose clearly, and make a swift exit. The face lurking behind the curtains belongs to me.