The Extensive List of Insults

Don’t you hate when someone insults you and you can’t think of a witty response? Fear no more! Over the years, I’ve encountered several situations and all kinds of witty comebacks and insults. In a world of keyboard warriors where insults fly behind anonymity or the safety of distance, people don’t fear being punched in the face when insulting someone.

So I’ve decided to gather some of the best insults and to share them all with my friends. Read them, study them, and you’ll never be the butt of the joke ever again! Beware though, it does contain some foul language and it is guaranteed to hurt some feelings. So Snowflakes beware… It’s a joke, not a dick. Don’t take it too hard.

Your opinion is like a donkey suppository. You know what to do with it.

I’ve met some pricks in my life but you, sir, are a fucking cactus!

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they will start using it.

I guess those enlargement pills are working because you’re twice the dick you were yesterday.

Being a dick won’t make yours any bigger.

You’re the reason they have to put directions on shampoo.

I’m NOT insulting you, I’m DESCRIBING you.

It’s a joke, not a dick. Don’t take it so hard.

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

Some people are just like trees. They take forever to grow up.

It must be hard putting makeup on your two faces every day.

Is your ass jealous of all that shit coming out of your mouth?

Some people are so full of shit, they should have flushing handles instead of ears.

You don’t have to like me. I’m not a Facebook status.

The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

Who left the back of idiots open again?

When you stir shit, do you stir clockwise or counter-clockwise?

Just checking on you. Heard a loud pop and thought you pulled your head out of your ass.

If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

If you got beef with me, it’s completely one-sided because I promise you I don’t give a shit.

I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he often forgets to wind it up in the morning.

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

Shock me, say something intelligent.

I don’t know what your problem is but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Of course I talk like an idiot. How else would you understand me?

Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.

I’d prefer a battle of wits but you appear unarmed.

Your inferiority complex is fully justified.

You might want to get a colonoscopy for all that butthurt.

I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

I’ve forgotten more than you know.

Isn’t it rather dangerous to use one’s entire vocabulary in a single sentence?

You must be Math — you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.

If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.

Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.

You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

I’m sorry.. Am I poking holes in your self-esteem bucket?

Why do people with brains the size of a pea have a mouth the size of a water melon?

I’m no cactus expert but I know a prick when I see one.

So tell me… Is your ass aware that your head has moved in?

I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

Your inferiority complex is fully justified.

You have delusions of adequacy.

I’ve been called worse things by better people.

I like the way you try.

Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.

Well… aren’t you the human version of period cramps.

You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take a day off?

Don’t worry. The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, will you?

That sounds like a “you” problem.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.

You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

I’d say you’re dumb as a rock, but at least a rock can hold a door open.

Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.

Stupidity isn’t a crime. You’re free to go.

You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word Syndrome to your last name.

Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?

I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.

I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.

You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy.