Under Grumpa's Hat

I’ve been fighting all my life. Fighting for every opportunity set in front of me. While my parents were doing well, nothing has ever been handed to me and I’m grateful for this. I was taught, at a young age, the value of working and fighting to get what you want, what you need. I was raised to understand values, both physical and emotional.

So I fought… I fought to be first in my class at school. I fought to be the best athlete that I could be. I fought to make my parents proud and love me. I fought for a hockey team and league. I fought for my job. I fought for my marriage. I fought for respect. I fought for other relationships, friends, family.

But then one day, I was so depressed and anxious that I hit a wall and had to seek help. I felt like I had no fight left in me. It’s only then that I finally realized that while life is worth fighting for, I was fighting a battle that I could not have won. That’s when I was taught that I had to stop fighting. Or better yet, understand what was worth fighting for… and set boundaries.

I stopped fighting those who gossiped about me… I let them think what they want to think as only I know the truth.

I stopped fighting with my family… The more I fought to be heard, the further we were growing apart.

I stopped fighting for attention… Doing what I wanted to do with no expectations was reinvigorating.

I stopped fighting to meet peoples expectation of me… Too many times, their expectations were unachievable.

I stopped fighting for my rights with inconsiderate people… There was no way I could ever change their mind.

I stopped fighting to please everyone… It was draining me of the energy that I needed to survive.

I stopped fighting for people to love me… as I realized that those who truly love you, do it no matter what.

I stopped fighting to prove they were wrong about me… I have wasted too much time that I could have spent on more important things.

I stopped fighting an employer who didn’t appreciate what I did for them… I made myself sick for them and without health, you have nothing.

My live changed when I left such fights for those who have nothing else to fight for. Let them waste their energies.

Instead, I started fighting for my vision, my dreams, my ideas and my destiny. I am fighting for me, for my survival, focussing on enjoying every minute I have left on this planet.

And in doing so, by changing my focus, I have defeated a long time diagnosis of severe depression and high anxiety. I have since learned to love life and enjoy every moment, focussing my energy on me… finally. I am done fighting against an invisible opponent a fight that I cannot win.

I have no fight left in me. I am focussing on replacing it with love, compassion, understanding. That in itself brings its own set of challenges, but it’s something that makes me feel better. And ultimately, I was finally taught that it’s okay to be a bit selfish by looking after… yourself.