One-Liners: Under The Influence Edition

Laughter is life’s best medicine, uniting us in moments of pure joy. It’s the glue that binds us, easing tensions and forging connections. In the face of challenges, laughter offers a ray of light, reminding us to find humour even in the darkest times. It’s the secret ingredient to resilience, infusing our days with positivity and strength. So let’s embrace laughter, for it’s not just a sound—it’s the heartbeat of happiness in our lives. Here are a few one-liners to, hopefully, bring a smile to your heart.

🍺 Push yourself: Do 15 pushups instead of 10, run 6 kms instead of 5, drink 12 beers instead of 6…

🍺 My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper.

🍺 I’m old enough to remember when people thought having “one for the road” was a good idea.

🍺 I’m not really a social drinker. I’d say most of my drinking is work related.

🍺 I just got some juice out of the fridge and I swear I heard the beer say “what the hell?”

🍺 Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

🍺 It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.

🍺 I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hungover today!

🍺 My neighbour just got arrested for growing pot. On a side note, apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

🍺 A cooking recipe called for “left over wine”. I’m confused. What’s left over wine?

🍺 Never look at your beer as if it was half empty. Look at it as if you were halfway to getting a new full one!

🍺 An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, “What would Jesus do?” So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

🍺 I stopped drinking hard alcohol. I drink tea instead. Tea-quila.

🍺 Since the legalization of marijuana in Canada, I decided to open up a joint account.

🍺 So my wife said: “You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear”. So I said: “Sure, I’ll have a beer”.

🍺 In dog beers, I only had one tonight.

🍺 My barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I’ve been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber!

🍺 I’m okay with marijuana and alcohol but cocaine is where I draw the line.

🍺 I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

🍺 Back in my day, we didn’t have cup holders in our cars. We had to hold our beer between our legs and drive.

🍺 An alcoholic is someone you don’t like that drinks as much as you do.

🍺 I am impressed by how productive I was today. Just kidding, I’m on my fifth beer.

🍺 A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she’s getting a divorce.

🍺 Cleaning with alcohol is very effective, but I seem to get nothing done after that first bottle.

🍺 Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

🍺 Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.

🍺 I bought myself a 25 piece patio set: a lounging chair and a 24 pack of beer.

🍺 I trained my dog to fetch beer. Might not sound impressive but he gets them from the neighbour’s fridge.

🍺 When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!

🍺 They said I couldn’t drink or operate heavy machinery on my medication. Yet here I sit, driving a forklift, sipping a beer, lifting up my boss’s car…

🍺 Trying to make protein shakes but they keep coming out as margaritas.

🍺 So here I am sitting at home on the couch with my wife, having a beer and I say: “I love you”. My wife asked me if it was me talking or the beer. I said: “It’s me…….. talking to my beer!”

🍺 Got drunk last night and did my income taxes. I’m getting back $4 million this year!