Canada’s Naughtiest Road Map

Everyone remembers their first grand Canadian road trip a little differently. Some recall the mountains rising like old guardians along the highway. Others talk about endless wheat fields rippling in the prairie wind, the smell of saltwater in the Maritimes, or the polite silence of small towns where the only traffic jam involves a tractor and a dog that refuses to move.

Frank and Louise remember the road signs.

They had only recently returned from what they proudly called their “trip across the whole blessed country,” though if you listened carefully to their stories, the geography had very little to do with it. What truly stuck in their minds was the unsettling realization that Canada’s map appears to have been named by settlers who clearly possessed a wicked sense of humour and absolutely no fear of double meanings.

The recollections began one evening while they were reminiscing about the oddly named Saint-Louis-du-Ha!-Ha! (QC), which already sounded like a place laughing at its own joke. Somewhere between one story and the next, the gummy they had taken earlier began doing its quiet work, giggles becoming much easier. It seemed only fitting that their memory of the trip would begin in Stoner, BC, which at that particular moment felt less like a coincidence and more like a historical explanation.

Louise started giggling first, which naturally got the Balls Creek (NS) rolling in their memories.

Frank leaned back in his chair with the look of a man about to say something he probably shouldn’t. He reminded Louise about the time they drove past Old Entrance (AB) and how he had made a completely innocent remark about the name. Louise had responded instantly by bringing up Ball’s Falls (ON), with a comment about gravity eventually taking its toll on everything. Frank admitted he had never recovered from that one.

“You could always check out Meat Cove (NS) again,” he said with a grin. “Just in case we missed anything interesting. And we could swing by Big Beaver (SK) at the same time.”

Louise didn’t miss a beat. “Big Beaver isn’t that impressive after you’ve seen Tiny (ON),” she added, delivering the line like a professional comic who had waited years to use it.

By that point their memories were fully wandering into the gutter. Feeling playful, Louise “accidentally” revealed a little skin while recalling their stop near Peekaboo Corner (NB), which Frank remembered very clearly. Still, he tried not to jump to Assumption (ON) too quickly. The last time he had done that he had been completely wrong, which Louise reminded him had happened somewhere near Toogood Arm (NL).

Frank winced as he remembered the conversation that followed, particularly the uncomfortable reminder of Pain Court (ON).

Age had changed things a little since those earlier adventures. They both admitted they were thankfully long past the days of being particularly Fertile (SK), and with Frank occasionally dealing with a Bad Heart (AB), any serious effort toward making Love (SK) their destination, wasn’t always quite as Sans Souci (ON) as it once had been.

Louise eventually excused herself and wandered toward the bathroom, catching a glimpse of Picture Butte (AB) in the mirror of her memory and chuckling at the irony. That moment of reflection naturally brought her right back to Mirror (AB), where the whole ridiculous chain of associations seemed to restart.

As Louise returned and sat by Frank, his wandering hand appeared to be retracing old territory somewhere between Crotch Lake (ON) and Bacon Cove (NL), triggering a strong sense of déjà-vu that reminded Louise of Heart’s Desire (NL).

Not one to be outdone, Louise decided to return the favour by guiding their little mental journey straight toward the Maritimes, arriving simultaneously at Blow Me Down (NL) and Balls Creek (NS) with remarkable efficiency.

Frank, now fully committed to the expedition, claimed he had taken a scenic route to Happyland (SK) by way of Bacon Ridge (MB), before unexpectedly finding himself in Come By Chance (NL). The momentum carried him onward until he landed in Dead Man’s Flats (AB), though Louise insisted the journey wasn’t quite finished yet.

With surprising enthusiasm, she detoured through Finger (MB) and eventually brought the trip to the one place every Canadian with a sense of humour has heard about.

The vibrant town of Dildo (NL).

From there, reaching Climax (SK) was practically inevitable.

The next morning both of them woke up feeling as though they had washed ashore on Sober Island (NS). They shuffled into the kitchen to Drinkwater (SK) and raised an Eyebrow (SK) at one another as the fog slowly cleared.

Louise glanced down and laughed at what she teasingly referred to as Frank’s Flin Flon (SK), while Frank responded by admiring what he jokingly called her Purpleville (ON).

Frank finally winked, and Louise returned the look with a conspiratorial smile.

They both knew that whatever strange road their memories had travelled the night before, it was a trip they would never Forget (SK). Scattered across Canada’s enormous map are these magnificent little place names that quietly prove something delightful about the country.

At some point in history, perfectly respectable Canadians stood around a signpost, looked at each other with a grin, and decided the best way to name a place was with a joke.

Judging by the laughter still echoing around Frank and Louise’s kitchen, that joke is still working beautifully.