Under Grumpa's Hat

Weird title, isn’t it? The popular expression being Forgive And Forget, why preach not to forget? While it may seem insensitive and revengeful, it truly isn’t. At least, not in the context that this old brain of mine works. As in every experience in life, whether it was positive or negative, there is an opportunity for a lesson to be learned. So why would we want to pass on such opportunities to grow and better ourself?

The past

The past is… in the past. As hard as man has tried, it is impossible to go back in time. We all live with regrets, have done things that we wish we would have done differently in our life. And as you grow older, realizing that you are on the downslope towards the inevitable, you tend to reminisce more about your past. Those experiences, or “failures” as we see them sometimes, have contributed to making you who you are today. They have helped you realize your so-called mistakes… in hindsight.

Don’t forget them. Why would you? Instead, acknowledge them, even embrace them. But first and foremost, learn from them. Forgetting them would be passing on a learning experience, and might lead to doing the same thing over and over again. After you have acknowledged the past, then it’s time to move on from it. Remember, you can’t change what was done.

Yes, in order to grow and to fully enjoy today, you have to forgive others. But don’t forget what’s just as important: to forgive yourself. You are human, after all. Remember that we were all born without experience. This is the first time that we live this life and we learn as we go. How many times does a toddler fall while learning to walk? While our parents, family, friends are there to try to guide us through some situations, they cannot prevent us from living our own life.

By living, you will inevitably take steps that you might have thought, at the time, were the right ones to take. Remind yourself that you cannot see the future. You have erred, and you will inevitably make more mistakes. So it is important to forgive yourself when reflecting on your life. Learn from the past, but don’t dwell on it. In fact, that is crucial in order to move on, in order to fully enjoy the present… and help shape the future.

Action and reaction

It is natural for men and women to tend to try to protect themselves. We think that by isolating ourself from those who have hurt us, by leaving them out of our lives, we are doing the right thing. Sometimes, it’s true. But when it comes to family and the ones that you love, it’s often not the case. What we cannot see, most of the time, is what these people have lived through, what in their past has shaped them to be the way they are, or do what they do. What we often don’t see, by pushing them out of our lives, is the demons that haunt them, the daily challenges and battles that they go through. Oftentimes, the isolation only makes matters worse. By trying to protect yourself, you are amplifying the issue. By not addressing an issue, you are living in a state of avoidance but deep down, it is never going away. By repressing it, you are in fact making matters worse and one day, you will have to face it. But at that time, it will have become an even bigger issue. It reminds me of an anecdote…

You have a toothache but you hate going to the dentist. So you ignore it, push it away and continue with your life. The toothache gets worse every day. At first, you feel like you can handle it as you judge that the little pain you are suffering from, is lesser than the pain and fear you would have to face if you went to the dentist. But eventually, the pain will be too much for you to handle and guess what? You will have to go to the dentist anyway. You will have suffered all of that time yet, you will end up in the same dentist’s chair. Only, the problem will have have gotten worse. What might have been a small cavity back then, might have graduated to a root canal… and you suffered all those weeks, months.

If whatever your religion or spiritual beliefs are telling you to distance yourself from family and those who love you because they don’t show it in a way that you would like them to, perhaps you should re-think those beliefs. If those beliefs don’t have, as core values, to love one another, to forgive and try finding solutions, is it really something that you want to follow?

Never forget that when you set expectations on others, you are the one who is bound to be disappointed as it is quite unlikely that those expectations will be met. Then, while the tendency will be to blame the person on whom you have placed those expectations on, the real culprit is you for setting them up in the first place. Now if you and that person set expectations together, only then can both be responsible if they are not met. Or even better, if you don’t set expectations on others but yourself, chances are you will not be disappointed.

Beliefs

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. We may not see it at the time, but God has something in mind for us. I say God as this is my personal belief, my religious beliefs. But whether you choose to follow Buddha, Allah, Zeus or in another other supernatural power or spirituality, or if you are a complete atheist, if whatever you believe in is telling you as an individual to do good on this earth, to treat each other with compassion and respect, to love one another, that is all that’s important.

I’m a Christian and I cringe at some of the things some Christians have done in the past, or still do today. Most Muslims do not support terrorism in the name of religion. When I see an American President declaring a war and use God in their speech, it makes my skin crawl. God and war are polar opposites so if you feel like you have to go to war, don’t hide behind religion.

Going to Church every Sunday doesn’t make you a good Christian, just as standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car. Actions will always speak louder than words.

I also believe in destiny. You can fake going left or right, as many times as you want, but you cannot prevent destiny from happening. If you go right, it was your destiny. If you go left, same thing. Control only what you can control. Worry about only what you have control over, as if you start worrying about things you cannot change, you will only add to your stress and life anxiety, taking away from the joy of living today to its fullest. Do your best, as no one can expect more than that. The rest… whatever happens, happens. Either way, focus on making the most of it. So much of happiness is in our own head, how we respond to life events.

In conclusion, I want to leave you with some of the best lyrics every written, at least in my personal opinion. They were put into music by country superstar Garth Brooks:

“If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her? Did I try in every way, to show her every day, that she’s my only one? And if my life on earth were through, and she must face this world without me, is the love I gave her in the past, gonna be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes…“