Under Grumpa's Hat

There are plenty of websites and Youtube videos explaining how different tools are supposed to work, how they must be used safely, etc. But allow me to describe my own – and several other people – experience while using different tools throughout the years. Of course, this is meant in good ol’ fashion humour, so take it with a grain of salt… and a slice a lime… plus a shot of tequila!

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: 

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: 

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh SH– ‘

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: 

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: 

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: 

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Can also be used as a hammer when it’s out of reach.

BELT SANDER: 

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: 

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: 

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: 

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: 

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: 

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: 

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: 

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: 

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT HEAD SCREWDRIVER: 

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: 

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: 

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: 

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Can often be used as a job-ending, thumb crushing and swear initiating device simultaneously.

UTILITY KNIFE: 

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

MEASURING TAPE:

It’s a retractable measuring device where the user counts the number of little lines and transpose them into a piece they want to cut. Not only does it test one’s memory, but it will bend and create indescribable frustrations when trying to measure distance longer than five feet, before it retracts and snaps your finger.

WRENCHES

Time wasting devices creating hours of fun looking through a drawer trying to find the right size needed. Being creative, manufacturers decided to double the fun by making a metric and imperial size.

TOOL BELT

Handy multi-pocket container and tools holder that makes you sound like Santa’s reindeer when walking. It’s main purpose is to slowly slide you pants down to show your butt crack.

DRYWALL SAW

Handy knife-looking tool with big teeth that you poke through a wall to cut a small piece of drywall, only to cut an electrical wire creating a spark of smoke, resulting in exponentially raise the cost of a small job by having to call in an electrician, then a drywaller.

MITRE BOX

Handy box with angle groves to help cut the wrong angle on pieces of wood.

DAMN-IT TOOL: 

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMN-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.