Easter Clean Humour

I’m wanting to wish you all a very happy Easter weekend. As mentioned in a recent blog post, Easter is an important time of the year for me so this is the second blog post I’m making for the occasion this weekend. So enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in the Fall, when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff…”

“Wrong!,” replies St. Peter.

And he proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

Then the third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out…and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.“

One Easter morning, a farmer’s wife boiled some eggs, coloured them, and hid them in the barn for her kids.

A little while later the rooster found them. Not knowing anything about Easter, he beat up the peacock.

It cannot be found in the scriptures, but one story has it that upon his resurrection, the Lord appeared to a certain fisherman.

“I am Jesus – My death has saved all who do or will believe, and I am returned to show the Father’s love and power.“

“No, you’re not Jesus, so bug off, you’re scaring all the fish,” answered the old fisherman.

“I see thou are full of doubt. What would thee have me do to show who I am?“, replied the Christ.

“Walk across the river,” he tells Jesus.

So Jesus starts walking across the river. Next thing, he sinks and disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old man says to him, “There you are, see, you’re not Jesus, you can’t walk across water!“

Jesus responds, “Well, I used to be able to do it until I got these darned holes in my feet!“

A man took a vacation to Israel with his wife and mother-in-law. During their time in the Holy Land, his mother-in-law unexpectedly passed away. The following day, the husband met with the local undertaker to discuss funeral plans.

“In cases like these, there are a couple of options to choose from,” the undertaker explained. “You can ship the body home for $5,000, or you can bury her in the Holy Land for just $150.” The man took a minute to think about it, and then announced his decision to ship her home.

The undertaker, intrigued by his decision, said, “That’s an interesting choice. Can I ask why would you pay $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when you can easily bury her here for $150?”

The man promptly replied, “Over 2,000 years ago, a man died and was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead, and I can’t take that chance!”

One Easter morning, a woman was on her way to church when her car broke down. Not wanting to be late for the special service, she ordered an Uber to pick her up. The car arrived, and she quickly jumped in the back.

Halfway through the ride, she asked the driver a question, but the driver didn’t respond. So she leaned forward and tapped the driver on the arm. The driver let out a loud scream, swerved into the other lane, almost hit another car, slammed on the brakes, and skidded over to the shoulder.

The woman and driver sat in silence for a minute from the shock of what just happened. Finally, she said apologetically, “Wow, I’m so sorry. I had no idea that tapping your shoulder would alarm you like that.”

“No, you really didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that it’s my first day driving an Uber. You see, for the past 25 years, I’ve been driving a hearse.”

A little boy was attending an Easter service when he began to feel sick. He tapped his mother on the shoulder and said, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No,” she replied abruptly.

The boy waited a minute, and tapped her on the shoulder again. “I think I’m going to throw up,” he whispered.

His mom looked at him and noticed he did look a bit pale. “Okay. Go out the front door of the church, across the parking lot, and throw up behind the bushes,” she instructed him.

Less than a minute later, the boy came back and sat down again in his seat.

His mother whispered, “Did you throw up?”

The boy nodded his head.

“But how could you have gone all the way across the parking lot, thrown up, and walked back so quickly?” she asked.

“I didn’t even have to leave the church,” the boy proudly replied. “I found a box at the front of the church doors that says ‘For the sick!’”