How To Get a Woman To Calm Down

As sad as it may be, in today’s world where too many people are getting upset at anything and everything, where you can’t laugh at anything, we have to put disclaimers. “Do not use this glue in your hair”, or “this coffee is hot so if it spills on your lap, you could get burnt”… those are common today. So here’s your disclaimer. The following is intended as a JOKE and it doesn’t (necessarily) represent who I am or how I act as an individual.

Are you involved with a woman? Ever find yourself at a loss when she gets really, really angry? Not just the standard frustration when you forget to take out the trash, but that next level, boiling-over kind of anger? You know the kind I mean.

We, as men, often find ourselves staring at them like deer caught in headlights, wondering what triggered such a monumental eruption. But before you blame your partner, consider that it might be something hormonal at play—let’s be honest, we’re clueless about that stuff.

The problem isn’t just that she’s mad; it’s that she doesn’t know how to calm herself down. Unlike men, who might let off steam right away, women tend to bottle things up until they explode. They’ll insist everything’s fine, and we foolishly take their word for it. Big mistake. It’s like they’re storing up grudges for a winter that never ends. And trust me, they remember everything.

So, how can a man help his beloved return to a state of calm? Allow me to offer some sage advice—a four-step process, plus a survival tip for your own well-being. Consider it the bear spray of relationship wisdom.

STEP 1: Suggest she calms down. She might not realize the extent of her overreaction.

STEP 2: Remind her to relax. Stress isn’t good for anyone, and she might not realize it’s affecting her.

STEP 3: Hint that she’s acting like your mother. Nobody wants a second mother, even if they love the first one. Drawing this comparison might snap her out of it.

STEP 4: Embrace the Super-Mad strategy. If the first three steps fail, it’s time to get creative. Grab a cape, towel, or sheet and loosely tie it around her neck, declaring her “Super-Mad.” Sometimes, a humorous approach can defuse the tension.

STEP 5: Enter survival mode. If all else fails, retreat slowly while tossing chocolates her way. Avoid eye contact, refrain from speaking, and protect your vital areas. It’s survival of the fittest at this point.

As I jot this down from my hospital bed (I underestimated the chocolate supply), I implore you: don’t resort to these tactics. We care about you, ladies, and we’re only trying to help. Ah, it seems the nurse is here—time for another dose of morphine…