One-Liners: Family & Relationship Edition

Marriage, family, and relationships—these facets of human existence often pose some of the most challenging yet comically absurd scenarios. So, kick back, unwind, and chuckle along as we navigate through life’s familiar yet amusing predicaments with these witty one-liners.

⇢ My wife told me nothing shocks her any more so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.

⇢ She bought him the book Kama Sutra… putting him in an awkward position.

⇢ I’ve been doing it for so many years that I’m afraid that when I die, I’ll probably walk towards the light and turn it off.

⇢ It becomes an issue when your bed makes more noise than your woman.

⇢ Men are like dogs… we are excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about!

⇢ Always remember guys: Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

⇢ Do men’s ears actually work or are they just for show?… she wonders.

⇢ I’m the best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Since I was the best man at his first wedding, is it okay to start my speech with “Welcome back everyone”??

⇢ My girlfriend asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list, now I can’t read a damn word on it.

⇢ If you think 7 years of bad luck are too much for breaking a mirror, try breaking a condom.

⇢ Children tend to copy their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

⇢ Never trust a woman who doesn’t fart. Who knows what else she’s holding back from you.

⇢ Watching my grandson at the park, another parent asked me: “Which one is yours?” Just for fun, I said: “I’m still choosing.” She looked horrified.

⇢ She goes to confession every time she commits adultery. She’s not Catholic, she just likes to brag.

⇢ The female praying mantis chews her male’s head off within minutes of mating, whereas the female human stretches it out over a lifetime.

⇢ If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

⇢ Next time you forget your wife’s birthday, try this: “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?”

⇢ My buddy bought his wife a pug. Despite having a squashed face, bulging eyes, rolls of fat and looking ugly as crap, the dog seems to like her.

⇢ I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.

⇢ When I was a young teen, my dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

⇢ I wish women would put the toilet seat back up after they’re done using it.

⇢ Every teenager should get a high school education … even if they already know everything.

⇢ I hate when people say that tattoos are a waste of money. What about the cabinet full of expensive plates that people aren’t allowed to use?

⇢ For our anniversary, my wife said that nothing would make me happier than diamonds. So I got her nothing.

⇢ Figuring out what a woman wants is easy. Just pay attention while she’s screaming it at you.

⇢ “Wow 3 tattoos”, she said. “Those are pretty permanent you know.”
“Wow 3 kids”, I replied… “those are pretty damn permanent too!”

⇢ The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

⇢ Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

⇢ I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

⇢ 80% of marriage is repeating yourself. I SAID 80% OF MARRIAGE IS REPEATING YOURSELF.

⇢ You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

⇢ It’s like grandpa used to say: “Women: can’t live with ’em, but my god they’re everywhere.”

⇢ A mosquito just landed on my girlfriend’s butt cheek… easiest decision of my life!

⇢ For our anniversary, I’ll take my wife to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you. On my budget, it will have to be Subway.

⇢ For men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.

⇢ So my wife said: “You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear”. So I said: “Sure, I’ll have a beer”.

⇢ Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

⇢ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

⇢ I have 26 photos of my childhood. Some took that many selfies this morning.

⇢ Being a man means doing what I want, when I want and not having to answer to… Oops, she’s coming!!! To be continued…

⇢ When a woman asks you go guess her age, it’s like deciding which wire to cut to diffuse a bomb.

⇢ Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

⇢ Don’t worry girl, you’ll find someone who will ruin your lipstick instead of your mascara.

⇢ At the park, I saw a kid on a leash. I chose to go with cordless kids myself.

⇢ I take Viagra not for erectile disfunction, but to keep the sheets off my sunburn.

⇢ High school grades are a lot like their daughter’s bra sizes; her parents are happy with A’s and B’s but really start to worry once she starts getting C’s or D’s.

⇢ I asked my mom if i was adopted. She said “Why would we choose you?”

⇢ A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

⇢ I remember when I was young, old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

⇢ I gently pushed her panties to one side… and placed her socks beside them in her drawer.

⇢ Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I’ve just finished the whole condo before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

⇢ I like when my girlfriend blows air on me when I’m hot but she doesn’t like it. She says she’s not a fan.

⇢ A pretty face gets old, a nice body changes, but a good woman will always be a good woman.

⇢ Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the truck I’m driving.

⇢ You should always write your name on your underwear. See, I’m “Machine Wash Cold”.

⇢ An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren’t treated like an adult.

⇢ Want peace? Tell your kids that the Ice Cream truck only plays music when it’s sold out.

⇢ Of course I’m an organ donor. Who wouldn’t want a piece of this?

⇢ She is not my reward, I am her punishment.

⇢ Guys, don’t judge women by pounds and you won’t be judged by inches.

⇢ My wife says that I don’t listen. At least I think that’s what she said.

⇢ When your girlfriend is mad at you, put a cape on her and say: “Now, you’re Supermad”. If she laughs, marry her.

⇢ Grab her butt in front of guys who want her and grab her butt in front of girls who want you.

⇢ In my days, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

⇢ A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

⇢ Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? My parents taught me not to piss on my hands in the first place!

⇢ She asked me if I remembered what today was. Scaring men is easy.

⇢ My buddy’s wife is so negative. He remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how he forgot the baby.

⇢ I tried to explain to my grandson that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.

⇢ A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she’s getting a divorce.

⇢ All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

⇢ If another woman steals your man, there’s no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can’t be stolen.

⇢ You know mommy loves you when she takes the batteries out of her toys to put in yours.

⇢ My wife asked me if I was busy. Nothing good can come from this.

⇢ I do what the little voices inside my wife’s head tell me to do.

⇢ Women and tax forms have a lot in common…Some men love to cheat on them but when they get caught, it costs them their house.

⇢ Ladies, the best way to keep your husband from reading your e-mail is to rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

⇢ According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

⇢ So I took the family horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

⇢ Men who say women belong in the kitchen must not know what to do with them in the bedroom.

⇢ So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invitation by ‘maybe next time’ is inappropriate.

⇢ When I’m in a new relationship, my stomach hurts. Not from butterflies but from holding farts in.

⇢ A friend told me he needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

⇢ A married man should forget his mistakes; There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

⇢ While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement.

⇢ My wife says that it’s like every man on earth has to share one brain. I couldn’t think of a reply because it wasn’t my turn to use the brain.

⇢ Got a case for my phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

⇢ She said I only have two faults. I don’t listen and some other crap she was rattling on about.

⇢ So here I am sitting at home on the couch with my wife, having a beer and I say: “I love you”. My wife asked me if it was me talking or the beer. I said: “It’s me…….. talking to my beer!”

⇢ A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

⇢ Guys, if your wife or girlfriend asks, “If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names!

⇢ My girlfriend is so much better looking than me that the cashier put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

⇢ My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more than her.

⇢ The worse thing you can tell a woman who wears a bikini is “Good for you”!

⇢ When I argue with my wife, I always get the last word. It’s just that sometimes she can’t hear it.

⇢ Every once in a while, it’s important to show my kids who’s boss. (I do this by pointing to my wife).

⇢ My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

⇢ Definition of marriage: Two people who combine their efforts to find solutions to problems… that they didn’t have before.

⇢ “Was it closed?” is not the best thing to say to your wife when she gets home from a day at the Beauty Salon.