Under Grumpa's Hat

In a world where chaos reigns supreme and the absurdity of everyday life unfolds like a poorly scripted sitcom, one thing remains certain: society’s quirks never fail to amuse. Like extended warranties masquerading as shields of protection or the irony of a ringing camera disrupting a moment’s pause. From the comedic tragedy of waking up to face new mirrors and scales daily to the perplexing logic of homeless individuals flaunting their wealth in change cups, the stage is set for a symphony of satire. So buckle up, dear reader, as we embark on a journey through the hilariously perplexing landscape of modern society, where even the most mundane moments provoke a chuckle and a head shake in equal measure.

Extended warranties are like hospital gowns…You only think you’re covered.

Hold that pause, my camera is ringing.

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror. I’m getting a new mirror tomorrow. Then I stepped on the scale. Getting a new scale too!

When there’s no consequence for poor work ethic and no reward for good work ethic, there’s simply no motivation.

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

I find that nowadays, most people don’t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don’t know them.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

I’m thinking of hosting a BBQ for animal rights…

How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?

I look both ways when crossing a one-way street. That’s how little faith I have left in humanity.

Ever get the feeling that you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Those who hate speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some are abusing the privilege!

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Went to McDonald’s, put $10 on the counter and said: “Surprise me ’cause I never get what I ordered anyway!”

“Wow 3 tattoos”, she said. “Those are pretty permanent you know.”
“Wow 3 kids”, I replied… “those are pretty damn permanent too!”

If you think the economy is more important than the environment, try holding your breath while counting your money!!

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

To the people who lose one shoe on the side of the highway… please tell me what the rest of your life is like.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

If I had a dollar for every gender, I’d have $2 and a bunch of counterfeits.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and people actually go to jail.

I could never be a racist. I haven’t finished hating all the white people yet.

I walked into a gym, tagged my location on Facebook and left.

Sometimes, in the morning while I sip on my coffee, I think about all the people I’m going to piss off. Then I smile…

Sometimes actions speak so loud that you can’t hear what the person says…

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

I have 26 photos of my childhood. Some took that many selfies this morning.

When a woman asks you go guess her age, it’s like deciding which wire to cut to diffuse a bomb.

I don’t understand how a funeral home can raise its prices and blame it on the cost of living…

I accomplished a lot by scheduling everything for tomorrow.

I’m so broke, I’m being sponsored by a kid in Africa.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in our public schools.

A pretty face gets old, a nice body changes, but a good woman will always be a good woman.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

People are like tea bags – You have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are!

An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren’t treated like an adult.

Even if you love the smell of the soap, it is frowned upon if you smell your fingers when coming out of the bathroom.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like that drinks as much as you do.

I got robbed at the gas station yesterday. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. I said “Yes, pump number 6.”

Guys, don’t judge women by pounds and you won’t be judged by inches.

Put politicians on minimum wage and watch how fast things change.

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from Canada and find out it was made in China.

We used to have village idiots but with the internet, they’ve gone global!

In my days, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

We live in a world where deleting history has become more important than making it.

I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

Bathrooms with hand dryers are the best. They really get my hands warm before I wipe them on my pants.

Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum. Then I take a good look around at everyone and realize… maybe I already am.

Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

If what you have to say isn’t nicer than silence, shut up!

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.

Apparently some don’t realize that you can see through glass. Therefore… Stop picking your nose while driving!

When we are in the store and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes, why do we say “Its all right”? It isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot”?

The world is getting too sensitive. Soon, I won’t be able to make fun of myself without offending someone.

Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic trying to reach their gyms to ride stationary bicycles.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

Sometimes a majority simply means that all the fools are on the same side.

In Canada, we have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

I don’t wear glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough.

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.