Under Grumpa's Hat

In small towns and country villages, life has its own rhythm, one that city folk might call “simple” but we’d call “down-to-earth.” Here, we don’t mind dust on our trucks, waves from folks passing by, or the smell of the grill at the local gathering. We’ve got traditions that outsiders may not understand—customs rooted in practicality, friendliness, and a good dose of humour. If you’re a little too fancy or worried about keeping your shoes clean, well, you might just have a thing or two to learn.

☞ Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

☞ Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Tesla. Drive it or get out of the way.

☞ So every person in every pickup waves, and everybody says hi when you walk by on the street. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

☞ If that cell phone rings while a deer is coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time

☞ You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

☞ You may identify as whatever you want but in my house, you’re either a man or a woman. And that’s decided by what’s between your legs.

☞ If your pants are so tight I can see the shape of your car keys, you’re either going to a yoga class or need a real pair of jeans.

☞ Around here, we don’t need GPS. We got something called ‘directions,’ and they usually involve landmarks, like ‘the big oak tree’ or ‘where Old Man Jenkins’ dog used to sit.’

☞ If you show up at a barbecue with a veggie burger, don’t be surprised if it “accidentally” falls in the fire.

☞ In my house, WiFi password’s “sit down and talk.” Can’t figure that one out? Probably means you ain’t visiting enough.

☞ If you show up in a suit, expect to be asked if you’re either lost or attending a funeral—hopefully not your own.

☞ Around here, if you can’t back up a trailer on the first try, you better hope nobody’s watching. Otherwise, we’ll never let you forget it.

☞ Ain’t no shame in using a doorbell. But be prepared, ’cause most folks here don’t use them unless it’s an emergency.

☞ Around here, the only drama we care about is whether the fish are biting and the beer’s cold. If you got more drama than that, take it to the city.

☞ Yes, we got a “local gossip” around here. But she’s called Aunt Becky, and she means well, so don’t you dare sass her.

☞ We got two kinds of people at the family reunion: the ones talking about hunting and the ones complaining that it’s not deer season. Either way, don’t ask questions.

☞ If you hear “bless your heart” from a lady around here, it’s less of a compliment and more of a warning. Walk careful.

☞ In this town, if you can’t drive a stick shift, well, maybe you shouldn’t be driving.

☞ We don’t have “cappuccinos” or “lattes” in our coffee shop. You get black coffee, or you get cream and sugar. Pick one.

☞ People ask why we don’t take vacations. I tell them, “When your backyard is the lake and the forest, what more you need?”

☞ ‘Home-cooked meal’ here means it was fried, grilled, or smoked, with enough butter to stop your heart—but what a way to go!

☞ Around here, you don’t need an appointment to visit. You just need to holler real loud and maybe bring a pie and a case of beer.

☞ The only ‘apps’ we’re concerned about are appetizers and the one that shows deer tracking spots. Don’t ask us about TikTok.

☞ If your “fancy” shoes can’t handle a little mud, they probably don’t belong anywhere near here. 

☞ You see someone with an expensive truck here? It’s either the mayor or someone who doesn’t mind working 80 hours a week to pay for it.

☞ We listen to country music around here. Anything else is noise.

So, if you’re ever wandering down a gravel road and a pickup full of good-natured folks waves you down, don’t be a stranger. We might tease a bit, laugh a bit, and maybe tell you a story that could make you think twice about city living. After all, here in the backroads, we’re all about keeping things real and enjoying the little things—just the way we like it.