A Potato’s Guide to Life and Love

It all started when Mr. Potato Head met Mrs. Potato Head. Sparks flew, eyes locked (literally, since their eyes were removable), and before long, they tied the knot. Their love blossomed, and soon they welcomed a little sweet potato into their lives, whom they lovingly named Yam. As doting parents, they wanted nothing but the best for their precious Yam, so when the time came, they sat her down to explain the facts of life—potato style.

With great care, they warned Yam about the dangers of the world. “Don’t go out and get half-baked,” they cautioned, “or you might end up accidentally mashed. You don’t want to earn a bad reputation like ‘Hot Potato’ and wind up with a bunch of tater tots, do you?“

Yam, ever the confident spud, assured her parents they had nothing to worry about. “No spud is going to lure me into a sack and turn me into a rotten potato,” she declared. “But don’t think I’ll just sit around and become a couch potato either. I’ll stay active—no skinny shoestring fries for me!“

When Yam decided to travel to Europe, her parents offered more advice. “Watch out for those hard-boiled Irish fellows,” they warned, “and steer clear of those greasy French fries from France. And whatever you do, don’t get mixed up with those fancy Yukon Golds or those troublemakers from the wrong side of the tracks who plaster their names on trucks—’Frito Lay,’ they call themselves.“

Determined to make her parents proud, Yam promised to stay on the straight and narrow. She even enrolled at Idaho P.U. (Potato University, of course), where she worked hard to ensure she’d graduate and truly be “in the chips.” But despite all their guidance and support, Yam returned home one day with shocking news: she was in love and planning to marry Peter Mansbridge.

“Peter Mansbridge?!” her parents exclaimed in unison, their potato skins turning pale. “You can’t marry him! He’s just… a commontater!“