Some days life feels like it’s handing you lemons, and other days it hands you a banana while making intense eye contact. Either way, I’ve learned that some truths are too important, or too funny, not to share. Here’s a collection of short facts I’ve compiled, some practical, some risqué, and all guaranteed to make you smirk, chuckle, or more likely, roll your eyes.
Laughter burns calories. Laugh too hard and you’ll need new underwear.
A kiss can remove anger. Over doing it can remove clothes too.
Coffee in the morning wakes you up. Coffee in the afternoon keeps you up at night.
A smile can keep negative people away. So can garlic breath.
Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy pizza, which is close enough.
Exercise releases endorphins. So does chocolate, without the sweating.
Silence is golden. Unless you live with kids, then it’s suspicious.
Patience is a virtue. Amazon Prime has two-day shipping.
Honesty is the best policy. Until your spouse asks about their haircut.
Time heals all wounds. Unless it’s paper cuts, those are eternal.
Age is just a number. Wrinkles are just exclamation marks.
Love makes the world go round. So does dizziness.
Music soothes the soul. Karaoke ruins it.
Practice makes perfect. Unless you’re practicing excuses.
Wine improves with age. Some people improve with wine.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder… or the beer holder.
The early bird gets the worm. The second mouse gets the cheese.
Happiness is free. Unless you want to eat out.
Dancing is like dreaming with your feet. And embarrassing your kids with your hips.
An open mind is great. Just be careful what flies in.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Especially if it’s someone else making it… while you’re in bed.
Nothing lasts forever. Except awkward family photos.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Flirting can lift your mood. Overdoing it can lift your shirt too.
A wink can intrigue someone. Too many winks can make them worry you’re having a stroke.
Ice cream cools you down. Eating it in bed can heat things up.
Whispering can be sweet. Whispering in the wrong ear can get you smacked.
Eye contact creates connection. Eye contact in the locker room creates panic.
Eating a banana is a good source of potassium. Eating a banana while making eye contact makes it awkward.
Reading improves the mind. Reading someone’s texts over their shoulder improves trouble.
Life is full of surprises, some practical, some mischievous, and some just downright weird. Take these truths with a pinch of salt, a wink, and maybe a slice of pizza. After all, if we can’t laugh at life (or at ourselves) we might as well cry into our coffee while the kids or grandkids blame us for the noise.