Air travel is not complicated. We have somehow convinced ourselves it is, but really it is just a large metal tube full of tired people trying not to become viral. Airports and airplanes operate on an invisible social contract. It is never announced. It is never written down. Yet the moment someone violates it, every Canadian within a ten row radius silently judges them into the next reincarnation.
Consider this your unofficial handbook.
The Airport Is Not Your Living Room If you arrive wearing pyjamas, slippers, and a neck pillow that has clearly seen things, that is between you and your god. But please remember this is a shared space, not a sleepover. Lying across six chairs like a Victorian fainting couch is frowned upon. Bonus demerits if you snore or remove socks. Immediate banishment if you clip toenails.
Security Is a Choreographed Dance, Not Improv Theatre Everyone knows the routine. Shoes off. Laptop out. Liquids surrendered like hostages. Yet there is always one person shocked by this process, staring at the bins as if they just discovered gravity. If you reach the front and announce, “Oh, we have to take our belts off?” the rest of us briefly fantasize about leaving you behind.
Walking Speed Should Match the Vibe Airports have two speeds. Late-for-a-connection speed and terminally unaware speed. If you are strolling four wide while discussing brunch options, move. You are blocking a woman who has 11 minutes to get to Gate 42C and a very personal relationship with cortisol.
The Boarding Line Is Not a Suggestion Your zone is not a concept. It is a number. If your boarding pass says Zone 5 and you are hovering like an eager golden retriever during Zone 1, stop. Sit down. You are not sneaking onto Noah’s Ark. The plane will still be there when it is your turn.
Overhead Bin Space Is a Shared Resource That roller bag, backpack, coat, hat, souvenir pillow, and emotional support parka do not all get their own condo. The bin is not a storage unit. If you place your bag sideways and close the door like you solved Tetris, expect quiet hatred from everyone boarding after you.
Shoes Stay On. Always. This should not need explaining. No one has ever thought, “You know what would improve this flight? Toes.” Socks are not a loophole. Bare feet wandering the aisle is how horror movies start. Keep them contained like responsible citizens.
The Armrest Treaty Middle seat gets both armrests. Window gets the wall. Aisle gets the freedom to stand up 14 times. This is ancient law. Ignore it and you may not be confronted, but you will be remembered.
Reclining Is a Privilege, Not a Right Yes, your seat reclines. No, you may not do it during meals, turbulence, or while the person behind you is clearly working, eating, or existing. Reclining without warning is the aerial equivalent of cutting in line and saying, “Relax, it’s just hair.”
The Bathroom Line Is Sacred If there is a lineup, do not pretend you are just stretching while inching forward. We see you. We know what you are doing. This is not your moment to innovate.
Volume Control Is Mandatory Phones, videos, FaceTime calls with Aunt Carol explaining her rash. All require headphones. If I can hear your device, you are wrong. Full stop.
Applause Is Reserved for Live Performances The plane landing safely is not a standing ovation moment. This is literally the pilot’s job. Clapping on landing is like applauding a bus driver for stopping at a red light. Gratitude is fine. Thunderous approval is unsettling.
Exiting the Plane Is a Zipper, Not a Sprint Rows exit in order. This is not the Hunger Games. If you leap up and shove forward while others are still standing, we assume you are late because of your own choices and will not be sympathetic.
Air travel works only because most of us agree to behave like adults in a very unnatural environment. The rules are unwritten because they rely on something rare and precious. Awareness. Break them, and the flight still lands. But everyone arrives a little more tired, a little more annoyed, and a lot more convinced that humanity needs a refresher course.