Learning To Say I Love You

For some, it comes naturally. For many of my generation or older, not so much. Telling someone that you love them seems like such an innocent and easy concept, right? I mean… it’s just three little words. And it’s not like you don’t feel it. So why is it so difficult to some to express it?

In some cases, it depends on your upbringing. I’m no psychologist so I won’t come here and pretend that I know why or how this happens. But I am slowly creeping in to years on this hearth and I have learned a thing or two. Plus, I can certainly speak from my own experience, and what I have observed, right?

A few generations ago, sharing your feelings, particularly for men, wasn’t even a topic of discussion. Men worked hard to support their family and that’s how they showed love. Women, for the most part, were taking care of the house and the children and that’s also how they showed their kids love… although there was always that motherly, more caring and sensitive side to them. In those days, the father was often the disciplinarian in the household.

Upbringing

I’m not that old and I was raised in what I’ve always considered to be a loving family. But we didn’t hug and tell each other that we loved one another. Still, we knew. My sister and I had no doubt that Mom and Dad loved us. They didn’t have to say it. We had food on the table, clothes on our backs and a roof over our head. We went on family trips, they put us into sports and we did some activities, such as cross country skiing, snowmobiling and so on together. To us, that was love.

So then, that’s who I became: my parents. I had a family of my own, with two beautiful and amazing daughters that I have loved dearly since day one. I hasn’t changed. But the world around me has… People got in touch with their feelings more, and there came this new concept where you had to express your feelings. According to experts, it became crucial to do so, as they claimed it was part of communicating.

I could be wrong but that change in philosophy shared the same timing as the divorce rates going up. My parents divorced when I was 17 and in those years, the divorce rates were climbing. Today, when you see a couple who has been together 30-40 years, it seems to be the exception and not the rule…

With divorces, children needed to know that they were loved. And in many cases, it became a competition between both parents as to which one was the “good parent” and which was “the bad one”. Both parents in a divorced relationship were (and still are) fighting for their children’s love and affection, and they want them to know that they are loved.

This created a much bigger social issue, where parents started spoiling their kids, over-protecting them, giving up participation trophies, creating the current sense of entitlement that we are seeing today. But this alone is for an entire separate topic as we could go on and on about it.

Saying ‘I love you’

I am no different. My kids grew up with a father who simply didn’t know how to say “I love you”. But I think that they knew that I did. When my wife and I divorced, I lived this phenomenon of wanting my children to know for sure that their father loved them. You see, for all people involved, there are many very difficult aspects when you go through a traumatic event like a divorce. It affects, even disappoints a lot of people.

To me, the hardest part of it all, was my kids. As a father, you are there to protect your children from anything that could hurt them. When you divorce, split the family, you feel like you are the cause of their hurt, which goes 180 degrees from what a parent wants. I felt like I was the cause of their hurt, when I am wired to protect them.

This really hit me hard and that’s one of the reasons why I wanted to ensure that my daughters knew that I loved them. That’s when I really pushed myself to say the words that were buried so deep inside of me. In my case, it wasn’t a competition with their mother as to which one of us loved our daughters more. I know that their Mom loves them and she’s more in touch with her feelings. So showing them, telling them, was more natural to her. But regardless, I had to make sure that they knew how I felt about them too.

Chasing expectations

Truthfully, it’s still a bit of a battle at times. The challenge, now, is not so much saying the words, but keeping up with the world around me. Again, it has evolved even more. The expectations now are that words aren’t enough. Apparently, you now have to prove that you love someone.

I was raised with the notion that you took a loved one’s words at face value. Now, my words aren’t worth much anymore, as it’s my actions that tell if I love someone or not. That is an adjustment that I have not mastered yet, far from there. But I am working on it. It’s a slow process. I have come a long way.

Of course, I tell my kids that I love them. I tell my own father that I love him. I tell my sister that I love her. I tell my fiancee that I love her. But it seems like I have yet a long way to go to catch up to the expectations that society is putting on me. And I know that I’m not alone in that situation.

Yet, somehow, I get the feeling that if I reach that new plateau of proving my love, the world will evolve to something else. Something tells me that I will have to battle to let people that I genuinely and deeply love, that I truly do. Yet, I love them with all of my heart and soul.

Why is it so hard to let someone know that you love them? It seems to me that it should be much, much easier than it is today.

Thankfully, I found this very helpful guide.