One-Liners: Naughty Edition

There’s a fine line between humour and, well, the slightly risqué. Walking that line, these cheeky one-liners embrace the absurdities of everyday life, turning the mundane into moments of mischievous delight. These quips remind us that a little bit of naughty humour can be the perfect antidote to life’s serious side. So, settle in, prepare to chuckle, and remember: it’s all in good fun – with just a pinch of naughtiness.

My neighbour with the big boobs has been working in the garden topless all day. I just wish his wife would do the same.

I was bored so I went to the farmer’s market and placed a sex toy amongst cucumbers and watched the reactions.

Boobytrap is partyboob backwards. Another negative being a positive.

I don’t understand why they say “Kiss me I’m Irish”. I’m French and I don’t go around asking people to give me some tongue.

Before buying his new loud exhaust pipe, my neighbour was secretly ashamed of how little sex he was having due to his small penis. But now, that’s no longer a secret.

You know you’re getting old when a recliner and a heating pad is your idea of a hot date.

My girlfriend had a concussion. A mutual friend asked: “How’s her head?” I said: “She’s the best I’ve ever had!”

I couldn’t fall asleep last night as I was thinking: Do you think girls with diabetes have sugar daddies?

When I was born, the Government paid the hospital bill and I left the tip.

Dating when you’re older is like finding a shopping cart with good wheels at WalMart.

Never kiss your honey when their nose is runny. You may think it’s funny, but it’s snot!

If it was written today instead of 1851, it would be a story about a Transgender Whale and they would have called it “Maybe Dick”.

Ladies, if your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

Ladies, when you can feel the wind blowing through your hair, it’s time to shave your legs.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I got kicked out of hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just in charge of the other nurses.

I don’t always wake up grumpy. Sometimes, I let her sleep.

I heard what you did for a Klondike bar… Call me!

Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Punctuation is important: ”Will you marry me?” is a marriage proposal, but ”Will, You, Mary, Me?” is a foursome proposal.

Skip The Dishes delivery people always love to see a nice tip, which is why I always answer the door naked.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I never had phone sex. I’m too concerned about getting hearing aids.

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg.

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for, I can never get a straight answer.

The most common sleeping position of some people is… around.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Wow, the chick in this workplace harassment video sure has nice boobs!My gay friend said that he slept 7 hours straight. Drawing roadmaps on boobs will take you down mammary lane.

Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you’re there, please.

Is it just me or women’s breasts really swell in the summertime?

Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes. Thank you.I don’t have a dirty mind, I just have a sexy way of looking at things.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Today’s women work like men, dress like men, swear like men, drive like men, and then they’re shocked when we fuck them in the ass!

The worse thing you can tell a woman who wears a bikini is “Good for you”!

Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.

Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

Guys, if your wife or girlfriend asks, “If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names!

I’m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it’s hard… So hard.

Got a case for my phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

I found some dress pants made of virgin wool. Must be coming from ugly sheep.

A friend told me he needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

When I’m in a new relationship, my stomach hurts. Not from butterflies but from holding farts in.

I hate to brag but I’m incredible in bed. I can sleep for hours.

Men who say women belong in the kitchen must not know what to do with them in the bedroom.

I took a sexual harassment course at work… I think I am going to be pretty good at it.

If you press your ear to a woman’s chest and listen to her boobs, you can hear her saying: “What the hell are you doing?”

You give someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly, she’s not your friend anymore.

Women and tax forms have a lot in common…Some men love to cheat on them but when they get caught, it costs them their house.

I was really upset when the doctor asked for a stool sample. I gave him shit.

You know mommy loves you when she takes the batteries out of her toys to put in yours.

In my days, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

Grab her butt in front of guys who want her and grab her butt in front of girls who want you.

Guys, don’t judge women by pounds and you won’t be judged by inches.

Of course I’m an organ donor. Who wouldn’t want a piece of this?

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

My three favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas.

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records, but then the librarian told me to take it out.

I gently pushed her panties to one side… and placed her socks beside them in her drawer.Answering Machine Recording: “You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press one …Now press the other one.”

High school grades are a lot like their daughter’s bra sizes; her parents are happy with A’s and B’s but really start to worry once she starts getting C’s or D’s.

That awkward moment when you’re running and your breasts are bouncing… and you’re a guy!

I take Viagra not for erectile disfunction, but to keep the sheets off my sunburn.The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not our fault.

I don’t understand why bras are so expensive. All they do is hold boobs. Shit, I’ll do that for free!

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

The only reason she wears panties is to keep her ankles warm.

Most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked…

I think that some women close their eyes during sex because they can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

Guys, never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you.

Never make an arm wrestling bet with a man that has been single for longer than 6 months.

Men exercise at the beach by sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Every day should be Father’s Day… After all, we did all the work at conception!

A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, “quick my husband is home!” Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!!!

Back in my day, a selfie was something we had to do when the wife wasn’t in the mood.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Laying in bed, thinking… How does a blind man know when to stop wiping?

A mosquito just landed on my girlfriend’s butt cheek… easiest decision of my life!

When I want the entire beach to myself, I wear a Speedo.

Ever wonder if deaf gynaecologists read lips?

Why are my neighbours looking at me that way? Have they never seen a naked man sitting on his front porch?

It’s always good to spread happiness, so smile at a stranger today. Or flash them your boobs, strangers love boobs!

I read that a banana a day keeps your colon clean. They forgot to say that you’re supposed to eat them.

I know how to make 5 pounds of fat look attractive. Just put a nipple on it.

I signed my card of orgasm donor.

I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book which was not only embarrassing, but it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Friends are like boobs: some are real and some are fake.

You traded your iPhone for an extra half inch? I hope your girlfriend doesn’t do the same.

A bikini exposes 90% of a woman’s body but I’m such a gentleman, I only have eyes for the 10% that’s covered.

A girl walks in with half her boobs showing, I look, I’m the pervert. So I walk in with half my junk showing, girl looks and I’m still the pervert!

You put $4,000 stereo on your 1999 Honda Civic? Sweet! That’s like your grandma getting a boob job.

Add some variety to your sex life… Use the other hand!

Those who think buying condoms is awkward never tried returning them.

Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

If you can make a woman laugh, you’re halfway there but if you’re halfway there and she laughs, you’ve got problems.

She goes to confession every time she commits adultery. She’s not Catholic, she just likes to brag.

The “Brazilian Wax” store was not a boutique candle shop. That’s all I’m going to say.

In my days, if a woman said “my eyes are up here” it was because a guy was staring at her chest. Today it’s because he’s staring at his phone.

I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date…

If you think 7 years of bad luck are too much for breaking a mirror, try breaking a condom.

I watched my first porno the other day. I looked so much younger back then!

She said: “Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.”

She has a butt like J.Lo… sorry, I meant Jello.

Remember ladies that a man is like a VHS: Forward, rewind, forward, rewind, stop, eject.

I’d like to know what the person who invented yoga pants is working on right now…

My feminine side is lesbian.

I ordered a sex toy online. It’s so good, even the mail came.

It becomes an issue when your bed makes more noise than your woman.

She bought him the book Kama Sutra… putting him in an awkward position.

Ladies, it’s really time to shave when… he bends down to pet the cat only to find that it was the hair on your legs.

You know she’s too old for you if she yells “Bingo!” when she orgasms.