Few people know this, but I’m a self-proclaimed relationship expert. Don’t bother asking where I got my credentials, they were probably printed off the back of a cereal box. But hey, why let a lack of actual training stop me from giving solid, scientifically questionable advice? Here are a few tips guaranteed to keep your relationship strong, confusing, or at the very least, entertaining.
Relationship Advice from a World-Class Expert (me, obviously):
Next time you forget your wife’s birthday, try this: “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?”
When your partner says, “We need to talk,” respond with, “Perfect, I was just about to say the same thing,” and then quickly run out of topics.
Compromise means letting her choose the Netflix show while you quietly Google how to fake enthusiasm for season 7 of something you’ve never watched.
Marriage is about trust. So always let them drive, but keep your foot glued to the imaginary brake pedal.
If you want to avoid arguments, just nod and say, “You’re right.” Advanced technique: nod, say it twice, and add a dramatic sigh.
Flowers are great, but nothing says “I love you” like surprising them with a new plunger. Thoughtful and practical.
Romance tip: whisper sweet nothings like, “Did you remember to switch the laundry?” It’s the little things.
If your partner says they don’t want fries, order extra fries anyway, because that’s actually your order.
The best way to say “I’m sorry” is to distract them with snacks. Preferably snacks that crinkle loudly enough to drown out your apology.
Keep the mystery alive by occasionally deleting your browser history… even if the last thing you searched was “how to fold a fitted sheet.”
When they say, “Do whatever you want,” remember that’s a legal trap. Consult a lawyer before proceeding.
A strong relationship requires balance: one person snores, the other contemplates unsolved murder plots at 3 a.m.
Don’t buy your partner clothes as gifts unless you want to hear the legendary line: “So… you think I’m this size?”
If your in-laws ask about kids, pretend you’re shocked and whisper, “Wait, how do you make them?”
The most romantic thing you can do is let them steal your hoodie, then watch it disappear forever into a mysterious hoodie graveyard.
Always share desserts evenly, but “evenly” is defined as giving them the last bite while secretly ordering a second one just for yourself.
True intimacy is reaching the stage where you can argue over the right way to load the dishwasher like it’s a UN negotiation.
If you want to spice things up, dramatically text “We need to talk” and then reveal you just meant about dinner plans.
Never underestimate the bonding power of assembling Ikea furniture together. It’s cheaper than couples therapy, but only slightly less traumatic.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry… unless you touched the thermostat. Then you better grovel.
Mad with your wife? Go to the kitchen and close all the jars really tight.
If she gets mad at you while she’s on her period, she’s probably just ovary-acting. Give her some chocolate and walk away slowly.
When a man says the game has 5 minutes left, he’s using the same time scale a woman is when she says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes.
Don’t get married for money, you can borrow at a better rate.
Always remember: Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
If you can make a woman laugh, you’re halfway there but if you’re halfway there and she laughs, you’ve got problems.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
When a woman says “Correct me if I’m wrong”, do not, under any circumstances, do it!
If your wife asks “Is it just me or the cat is getting fat?”, apparently, responding “It’s just you” is not the right answer.
If she says that nothing would please her more than diamonds, getting her nothing is not what she really means.
BONUS: Don’t criticize your wife…if she were perfect, she would have married much better than you. And vice-versa.
There you go. Advice so powerful it could either save your relationship or get you sleeping on the couch by tonight. Either way, you’re welcome. Follow me for more completely unreliable relationship advices.