Under Grumpa's Hat

If you have ever tried to wash a cat, you already know it ranks somewhere between negotiating with a toddler who skipped nap time and explaining taxes to a raccoon. Both situations end with scratches, existential regret and someone hissing.

Still, for the brave souls who insist on freshening up their furry overlord, here is a helpful guide. Not from an expert groomer, of course, but from someone who has witnessed the spectacle firsthand. Picture an instructional manual written by someone who has seen things. Heard things. Smelled things. And survived.

Step One: Prepare Your Battlefield

Put both lids of the toilet up and add one eighth of a cup of pet shampoo to the water. Do not question this measurement. Do not question why the toilet is involved. Just make sure you flush before and trust the process the way we all trust that the neighbour who owns thirty garden gnomes is still mostly stable.

Step Two: Approach the Creature

Pick up the cat and soothe her. Speak softly. Whisper sweet nothings. Pretend you are comforting a friend who has just discovered decaf coffee exists. This creates an illusion of trust, temporary but necessary.

Step Three: The Drop

In one graceful motion, place the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Quickly. You may need to stand on the lid, depending on your cat’s thigh strength. Never underestimate the quadriceps of a feline who has spent years practising vertical takeoff.

Step Four: Suds and Sorrow

The cat will self agitate and create more bubbles than a champagne fountain at a questionable wedding. Do not let the noises alarm you. That sound is joy. Or fury. Hard to tell, really.

Step Five: Spin Cycle

Flush the toilet three or four times. This will provide a premium wash and rinse, the sort of spa treatment you would charge extra for if you had the nerve. Fear not. Kitty will not go down the pipe. She is far too committed to vengeance to disappear that easily.

Step Six: Prepare the Escape Route

Have someone open the front door. Ensure there are no humans standing between the bathroom and the great outdoors. Think of it like clearing a runway for an emergency landing, except the plane is angry and armed with knives.

Step Seven: Release the Beast

Stand as far behind the toilet as physics allows and lift the lid. The cat will launch upward with the enthusiasm of someone who just discovered their ex’s embarrassing blog from 2009. She will streak through the house, through the door and into the wild, where she will air dry using the windspeed generated by sheer indignation.

Step Eight: Admire the Results

The toilet will be clean. The cat will be clean. Your soul, however, may need therapy.

Now, by this point you may be wondering who would design such a system. Who would risk life, limb and bathroom fixtures to bathe a cat in this manner.

Which is why it is time to confess something important.

I wrote this guide and I am… the dog.