Under Grumpa's Hat

If you can smile when things go wrong, you already have someone to blame.

The problem with the gene pool is there’s no lifeguard.

If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room.

If you’re using tie-downs, straps or bungie cords, always say: “That’s not going anywhere” after checking them. 

The older you are, the harder it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat have become good buddies.

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

Being lazy is not the same as being a failure. Being a failure implies that you were actually trying to do something.

When opportunity knocks, don’t sit there complaining about the noise.

If you never sin, Jesus died for nothing.

Never look down on short people.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

It ‘s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes. Practice birth control.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates…it’s more like a jar of jalapeños..what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

A man with both feet firmly on the ground is a man who can’t get his pants off.

No one is listening until you fart.

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain, and that’s where your crappy ideas come from.

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.

Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Wow…that was fun!”

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “smart”?

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive… or follow politics.

You never really learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.

It’s better to eat veggies in a house filled with love than to eat steak served by someone who hates your guts.

A horse needs a whip and donkey needs a bridle, but a jackass needs a kick in the ass.

When elephants fight, it’s the grass that gets hurt.

Slippery ground does not recognize a King.

A frog in a well does not know the great sea.

If the world flooded, it wouldn’t matter to the duck.

Empty barrels make the most noise.

There’s a bad potato in every sack.

No skunk ever smells its own stink.

A monkey dressed in silk is still a monkey.

Don’t ride an elephant to catch a grasshopper.

Don’t saw off the branch that you’re sitting on.

Someone who can’t dance says the ground is sloping.

You won’t help new plants grow by pulling them up.

Don’t take too much hay on your pitchfork.

A detour is better than a bog.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.

When you’re thirsty it’s too late to think about digging a well.

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Choose your wife as you wish your children to be.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.

A closed mouth catches no flies.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.